And So I Will Create...

Last night I spent a very long time talking to one of the most important women in my life, Jaclyn.  Over the past 7 years her strength, love, laughter, and consistency in my life has been more than an answer to prayer.  Our phone conversation began with her calling to tell me she was moving to New York City! The Big Apple.  The place every musical theatre performer dreams of going to light up the stage…but she seemed down.  Over the course of a few hours I listened more and more to her sort through her feelings about this huge transition.  She got off the phone with me only to call back a bit later and say, “I couldn’t be more excited.”  She spoke with a friend of ours in NYC who told her…it’s hard…there are no jobs half the time and more often than not you feel down on yourself as a performer…you struggle to make rent month to month and sometimes you wonder if you have enough money for three actual meals a day…

As I listened…all I could think was, “I’m sorry…you’re excited?  Sounds like every reason I DON'T want to do this." She said to me…”I’m ready!  I couldn’t be more excited to finally do this.  This is what I was made to do and I know I’m ready to worry about all of those things.”  Hah…performers are so weird. ;)   

I began to cry a little.  I was so moved by her drive to chase after her dreams.  To do what she was created to do.  Because I guess creating means...dealing with some pretty ugly situations at times...molding those situations into our art...

Over the past month I’ve been on a grand adventure.  I’ve been going to dance classes in New York City and last night had my first audition in Los Angeles.  It may sound like glitz and glamour (I wont lie…it feels like it most of the time) but…it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Each dance class a little more of my dignity has been chipped away as I realize all the things I need to catch up on.  I’ve been out of this full time for two years…and it shows.   And as I sit here feeling aches in my hips and knees from my ‘oh so incredible’ audition last night (insert sarcasm here) I wonder…can I do this?  Can I live with all the uncertainty that comes with chasing after my dreams?  In theory it sounded like a grand adventure…and it is…but adventure implies adversity...and adversity implies heart-ache.  But...adventure also implies overcoming obstacles, acquiring strength, healing and molding into a new creation.  Adventure implies hard work.  Not just physical labor…but spiritual labor...labor to ensure that I hold on to knowing who I am…it’s so easy as a performer to fall in to the trap of, “she turns better.”  “her legs kick higher” “she’s got tighter abs” “what if I never get a job and this was all for nothing…” blablablablabla….

But wait a second…isn’t this what we were created to do?  All of the negative things I’ve heard people fill their minds with over the past four weeks…I’ve been so quick to jump on them and say…but wait…you were CREATED to CREATE don’t you pour negativity into an already negative industry.  Be a change-maker.  Be someone who says…nope…God created me, created all that is around us…and as such…the creator of all gifted me to create as well.  And I will do so with light in my eyes and love in my heart. 

Sounds like I need to take my own advice, huh?  I’m all talk.  It’s the truth.  I talk a good game.  But I’m scared.  Scared of failure.  Scared of inadequacy.  Scared that what I create isn’t good enough. 

Lies.

We all tell them to ourselves.  They’re self-defeating.  They do nothing but injure our own spirits and keep us from creating the art our souls long to.  It’s debilitating really.  I’ve seen it affect someone’s spirit so much that they no longer create at all…and how incredibly sad is that?  That someone who has so much inside of them would no longer give of themselves to a world longing for nothing but…more to be created.

Not for me. 

I have many more bruises and aches ahead.  Many more days gazing off into the beautiful California sun writing at Starbucks trying to sort it all out.  But, as I told Jaclyn last night….as long as I can remember…I’ve wanted to create…create something that gives of myself to others.  I may not be the “best” but I have to be MY “best.”  It may sound trite…but I truly believe if you allow fear to keep you from doing what the base of your soul tells you that you were made to do…you’ll forever be an unfinished piece of art...a piece of art that if finished could have set the world on fire…could have spoken to just one person to say…create as you were created. 

So, like Jaclyn, I’m excited too.  Excited to be uncertain if I’ll get a job to help me make rent…in an imaginary apartment I have yet to find.  Excited to take a ton of dance classes….because I have a lot of work to do to rise to my fullest potential and not fall on my face in auditions.  Excited to be a glimmer of light in an industry that at times can be very dark…but an industry that represents…creativity…that represents what we were put on this earth to do…Create.

And so…I will create…And I hope you’ll create the art burning inside of you as well. 

Love and Light,

Regina