A Year Knowing Allie

Getting to know someone is something that takes time.  It requires effort on both sides.  It requires good and bad days.  Learning how the other person operates in certain situations, how they joke, what they are sensitive to, their likes and dislikes.  Getting to know someone is wonderful and tedious...and we all have to do it at one time or another.  Sometimes you find out you don't like the person as much as you thought.  Sometimes you realize you like them a whole lot more than you did initially.  Some times it's touch and go...but the person is worth it to figure out.  With some people it takes a long time to truly know them.  And other times...you know someone in an instant.  

A year ago I met a 6lb two-month-old baby girl named Allie in a government hospital in Sierra Leone, West Africa.  Two days later, she passed away.  Sadly, each day countless number of baby girls and boys loose their lives because of the many injustices in our world…but this little girl was different for me.  She was not a statistic.  Not only did I know her for a brief 48 hours…but for whatever reason…when I looked into her eyes I fell in love.  You may think…a year ‘knowing’ Allie?  You only knew her for two days.   But…each day I am reminded at some point of her smiling face and tiny spirit that she never needed a single word to communicate.  Each day has been a journey with learning something new.  You see she passed away, but her spirit lives on.  Her story lives on. 

Allie taught me about love.  Love that must be lavished on people in need.  Love that must be lavished on every person we are in relationship with.  She taught me that love is not a feeling…it is an action.  But that action is not a fairytale.  It is messy…it hurts…it doesn’t make sense…it requires work that makes us uncomfortable sometimes…it is not fair…it is heartbreaking…but…love is something you fight for, do not run away from or abandon…it is also the most beautiful and only thing that can piece the world back together.

A year ago, I sat in a hospital and stared at a tiny baby and racked my brain for how to save her.  I came up with a countless number of solutions.  I thought about staying in Sierra Leone and not leaving her side.  I thought of all the people I could call to help me, all the doctors I knew.  I cleaned the area around her filthy bed.  I tried to hold her.  I tried to reason with the woman who abandoned her, when she confronted me at the hospital.  I tried to ensure her safety once I left.  In the end…I could not and did not save her.  If I loved her as much as I did…shouldn’t I have been able to?  Were my efforts for naught?  Absolutely not…love expressed is never a waste, no matter how broken we are in the end…there’s always more than we think…

I was changed when I met her….but when I found out she passed away…that’s when I started to get to know Allie…that’s when the real transformation began.  Loving and loosing is one of the most tragic events, but also one of the most eye opening. 

You see…I have a problem with fixing things.  I want everything and everybody to be better.  I always think I have a solution and want to move on...I don't like to sit in the problem.  I abhor conflict and want it resolved immediately.  My friends would probably say it’s my greatest and worst quality.  Greatest because my intentions are in the right…worst because…well…sometimes your job isn’t to fix and sometimes your efforts to fix create bigger problems than you intended in the first place.  Sadly, I make this mistake time and time again. 

My purpose in loving Allie was to give a tiny baby the ability to die with dignity.  To die with someone by her side.  But…my purpose in loving Allie has also become to tell her story so that babies like her wont be forgotten.

But…her impact has not even ended there.  You can do everything within your power to change a situation…to make it different…to help someone…to try to communicate…whatever it is…but it may still turn out different from what you would like.  In fact, you may pour all your energy into a situation and get nothing back in the end….you may even find yourself brokenhearted…but…doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have loved.  A situation may be “beyond your control” but you do the best you can with what is in front of you and love the only way you know how. 

That day in the hospital as I realized there was nothing I could do to actually “help” Allie. I did the only thing I knew to do…I held her fingers, sang in her sweet ear and prayed.  I wasn't supposed to "do" anything...I was supposed to be.  She needed me to love silently...she didn't need me to do a thing.  Man...what a lesson I'm still learning.  What a surreal experience it was…but what an abundant blessing I will hold with me forever.  

Each day I’ve had her spirit with me I’ve learned more and more from this light.  You may love your heart out…but it wont always turn out.  Shine your light even in the midst of pain and injustice (Allie did :-)).  When something or someone hurts you…stand up for yourself but do all you can to make it right…then...love them enough to move forward.  Never stop fighting for something you believe in…but know how to pick your battles and when to sit down and be still. 

And the biggest one that I am learning right now…sometimes….we find ourselves in situations we don’t understand but we know we play a part in it …we think we know how it should turn out and we think we know what we’re supposed to do to get there…but there comes a time…when there is no more that you can do…it may be time to move on, even if you don’t want to or feel like it is unfair or not the way you think it should be, even if it hurts to your core…but...as you press on clarity begins to kick in…and each day that goes by…you’ll learn a little more from the situation than you did before….you just have to leave your heart open to keep on loving. 

A year knowing Allie has been painful.  I’ve learned more about myself, the world and my relationship with the Lord in one years time than I have in the other 24…but…a year knowing Allie has given me a peace and excitement about pressing on with that broken heart.  Pressing on to introduce other people to Allie.  Pressing on to learn more about what it means to be still and try to not be a big ole control freak.  Pressing on to lavish love and be okay that I may not save the world…but I may one day save one. 

Allie the day I met her.  

 Peace, Love and Light, 

Regina