Thank You For Walking this Journey

"Thank you for walking this journey with me."

My dear boyfriend Oliver spoke these words to me as I brushed the back of his neck on my way in to the kitchen.  He lay curled up on the couch and I responded, "Absolutely, my love."  His words were so genuine and heart felt.  The kind of words that carry a thousand other words behind their simplicity.  ....he was thanking me for walking with him as his mother peacefully and beautifully passed away earlier that afternoon.

For the past three months I have watched a man exhibit intense love for the woman who brought him life.  I only hope and pray to have a son one day to express the kind of unconditional love and care that Oliver expressed.  What a testament to the kind of heart my dear Pamela had that she instilled in her sons the gift of compassion...the gift of loyalty...the gift of never giving up on or abandoning the ones they love.  

Oliver, I have watched you for two months sleep by your mother's hospital bed, tirelessly get up to care for your mother, wait around for hours in her room without food for yourself so you could speak to her doctors about her progress, devote each hour of each day to taking care of her affairs, brushing her hair, singing in her ear, calling her friends to update them on her progress...looking her in the eyes each day to remind her how beautiful she was and what an angel she was in your life.  I have watched you be the beacon of light you told your mother she always was to you.  I watched you give your mother the light she gave to you.  The profound impact you have had on my heart as I have watched you love, hurt, cry, express anger, express joy....has been almost too deep and too lovely for my heart to stand.

Two nights ago Oliver woke up and said to me, "she's calling to me...I have to go to her."  He left my apartment and drove in the middle of the night to be by her side.  At 4:30am he called me and said, "I think you need to come down here."  I remember each step of the day like clock work.  Too many tender and private steps to share.  But as I arrived at the hospital at 5:00am I walked in to a hospital room of love and light and peace.  I walked in to a room to see my Oliver caressing his mothers hair as he stood at the head of her bed and the spirit of God radiating through out the room.  The spiritual presence of God was so intense that within minutes I stood by Pamela as I sang and praised to the creator of the universe over her precious body.  At 2:37pm surrounded by family and friends Pamela transitioned to the heavens to be with God.  We all felt her spirit as it filled the room.  Live out Loud.  That was the title of Pamela's first sermon....and live out loud she did.  What a radiant beauty...inside and out.  What an example of a selfless mother.  What an example of a women who walked the walk and talked the talk.  No matter what someone else thought...she followed what she believed to the ends of the earth.

But her greatest creation?  Her greatest expression of love and light?  Her two boys.  One of which I love so dearly.  Oliver...you have lived out loud.  I know you will continue to live out loud...but what I know without a doubt you will continue to do...love people as intensely as you loved your own mother...because that's a gift she gave to you.  You selflessly gave of yourself...only stopping to care for yourself when someone made you ;-)  No one asked you to go to Germany.  No one asked you to put life on pause.  No one asked you to sleep by your mother's bed night after night.  No one asked you to exhibit such selfless love.  You didn't think of you.  You never expected a thank you or recognition.  You ONLY thought of her.  No one asked you...because...no one had to.....

So...you thank ME for walking this journey with you?  No, my handsome love....Thank YOU for allowing me the privilege of walking alongside you.  It has been heartbreaking.  But it has been incredibly touching and life changing.  It has been more beautiful than I could ever accurately portray.  I cannot wait to walk other journeys with you...and I cannot wait to help shine Pamela's spirit each step of the way.

Living Out Loud,
Regina 

Enter In

It’s been over a year since I was last in Sierra Leone.  You would think after a year that the impact would have faded or diminished…but it’s the opposite.  Minute by minute I see their faces. Minute by minute I smell the aroma of River Number 2 and hear the laughter of over 80 glorious children I call…my heart.  I feel them.  I carry their stories with me.  I wait with anticipation for conversations to turn to, “so what else do you do besides dance?”  I can’t wait to word vomit every name and story and win over hearts to make their lives just a little bit better. My heart yearns to be with them.  After traveling to Sierra Leone three times in 10 months I felt like I was being led to Los Angeles to pursue dance and film/television.  I’ve found the transition to be harder than expected.  I have found so much joy in this new space but have also been faced with unexpected challenges. 

When I first moved here I instantly became close with my boyfriend’s mother, Pamela.  She was an actress and is now a minister working as a counselor.  Her light and vibrancy for life pulled me towards her.  I wanted to go to lunch with her, sit and talk with her…hear her heart and share my own.   We instantly connected.  We found we shared so much in common…one of which being that she liked to hear about Africa…and I sure as heck liked to talk about it :0) As I shared my stories with her we decided that she definitely had to travel with me next time I went.  I know her heart and light would explode all over Sierra Leone.  I know her calming touch would leave quite a lasting impression on Sierra Leone. 

Around November Pamela became very sick.  I wrote about her a few months back as her journey through this illness became more serious. As the months have gone on she has gone in to liver failure and has remained quite ill.  I’ve spent many days by her side in Intensive Care and my boyfriend has not gone a single day without holding his mother’s hand or lavishing her in love.   I’ve had so many touching moments I’ve wanted to share…from the constant love he’s shown her to the outpour of compassion from her friends and other family members…to the touching moments she and I have shared sitting in her hospital room. 

I’ve been reading a book called Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis.  What a warrior.  A girl my age from Tennessee who moved to Uganda to devote her life to helping people in need.  She adopted 14 girls and uses her two hands and the light behind her eyes to do what Jesus did….enter into peoples pain.  Enter in.  And take part in their lives in a very real way.

This concept is something I’ve grappled with since getting back from Africa.  WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION? WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE A SUSTAINABLE IMPACT?  Katie says, “And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet…I can enter in.  I can enter into someone’s pain and sit with them and Know.  This is Jesus.  Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that he enters in, He comes with us to the hard places.  And so. I continue to enter.”

And so…even when I don’t feel like I have the emotional strength to…I come to the hospital and sit with Pamela.  I look in to her eyes.  I recognize her pain and affirm her in the journey her body is taking to finding healing.  I hug Oliver as tightly as I can after he spends his days by his mother’s side. 

And I remember…this is the love my little ones in Sierra Leone have taught me.  Unconditional love.  Giving a voice to the voiceless.  I’ve learned the voiceless can manifest in our lives in different ways beyond the “orphan.”  There are times when the “orphan” becomes a woman full of nothing but love and light whose body needs a miracle to heal.  The orphan becomes simply…someone who needs to be lavished in love.  This has been heart wrenching…it’s raw…it’s real…it’s life.  But my loves in Sierra Leone taught me that amidst any struggle and any darkness there is ALWAYS light…there is always the beauty of a huge white smile, there is always light behind the eyes of a tiny baby in need of food.  I’ve been asked the question recently that through something like this how do you see the beauty in life?  How do you enjoy life in the midst of it all…..? 

Well…after the night there’s always morning.  After the sunset there’s always a sunrise.  After a storm there’s always a rainbow.  And within each day there are whispers of beauty.  When we might feel nothing but defeat and the weight of pain…God, the creator of the universe sends little whispers to say…there’s hope…there’s more…there’s life…enjoy it…experience it…breathe it in. 

We enter in to pain and journey through experiences we are faced with never losing sight of the fact that…our goal…our prize is love and light.

 One afternoon Pamela and I were sitting in a restaurant called Mother’s and we were talking about her life and as she spoke of a recent struggle I asked her, “How did you find the strength to make that decision?”  And she said, “Because I had find the joy in life again.”  We enter in…we experience…and we conquer.  We conquer and we find the joy.  For my loves in Sierra Leone…that joy is The Covering.  For my baby, Allie, that joy was finding rest and leaving a lasting imprint on my heart.  For my Pamela…that joy is meeting each new day with the strength of a fighter…meeting each new day to say, “Here I am still world! Let’s do this!”  I don’t know what that joy will continue to manifest in to.  But…each new day…as she continues to say yes…I will continue to say yes as well…I will enter in…enter in and stand by her side. 

I love you my dear, Pamela.  Let’s conquer this struggle so we can get on that plane and spread your light to my loves in Sierra Leone.  They are waiting on you.  And I know they can’t wait to show you their love as well.