Affirm This.

On Saturday I served as a cocktail waitress for an event that cost…well let’s just say…more than my wedding will probably cost.  Hundreds of family members and friends gathered together to lavishly celebrate a birthday.  There was a DJ, dance floor, open bar, buffet of appetizers, buffet of main entrées, coffee bar, desert bar…you name it…they had it.  It was a party I wished I was attending as opposed to serving, for sure! As I went table to table checking on guests, and pushed my way through the crowd to serve trays of drinks I nodded my head to the music and wished I could join everyone on the dance floor.  It was a fun party, but it was a long night.   Their birthday celebration did not end until 1:30, which meant the staff and myself did not leave until 2:45am.  As I bussed all of the tables and began carrying platters back to the kitchen and stacked the dishes by the dish washing station…I noticed him…Emmanuel*, the man who washes all of our dishes.  I've noticed him before.  I've introduced myself, said hello...but much of our interaction has been quick as I've hurried back to my guests. 

As I stacked the dishes in my hands for him to wash, I carried on my usual interaction: smiled and said thank you.  In broken English he hurriedly said, “You’re welcome.”  I couldn’t help but pause for a moment and lock eyes with him.  This sixty something year old man, wrinkles beginning to form around his eyes, sweat gathering on his forehead…I thought to myself…I wonder what his story is.  I wonder if he has a wife waiting at home.  Children?  Grand children?  What did he do before this job?  Has he worked here long?  And then the big question that truly pierced my heart…when was the last time someone affirmed him in his hard work?  The dishes stacked higher and higher and higher…was his heart racing?  Was he wondering when he’d actually get home tonight?  Does this happen most nights?  I turned around and returned to gather more dishes.  By the time I came back the dishes had stacked even higher and as I set my dishes down and began organizing them to make it a little easier on him…my heart had to move a bit…I went around to Emmanuel…placed my hand on his shoulder.  He jumped.  Startled.  I said, “Thank you so much for your hard work.”  And I smiled, locking eyes with him.  He looked at me stunned.  And after a moment.  Said, “Thank you, mi preciosa.”  Now, my thanks did not make Emmanuel’s work load any lighter…my thanks did not do much of anything…some might argue it just made me feel better.  BUT, I would argue…that what it did do was validate Emmanuel and affirm him as a man working by my side.  What it did was make him a real person to me.  And it made me a real person to him.  It put us on an even plane.

There is a huge amount of separation in our culture.  I saw it on perhaps a more exaggerated level when I traveled abroad, but I’m seeing it every day now right here where we live.  How do we bridge the gap?  

Affirmation and validation.  A simple touch.  A simple word of thanks.  A simple word of recognition.  Has the potential to bridge the gap between server and dishwasher…Manager and Employee…Child and Adult…Educated and Less educated…Homeless Man and Businessman.  I’m learning that part of opening our eyes to the need in the world and part of just playing the part of a person here on this planet is to truly look around and see…who am I ignoring…who can I affirm…who can I validate?  It starts here…Affirmation…it paves the way and invites true change to begin to emerge.

Empowering Love

Empowering Love

“Your approval ratings may and will go down…but you are a child of God.”  -Pastor at Reality LA

I’ve been thinking about family a lot lately.  The way families treat one another.  How I treat my family.  Do I exhibit the love to my family that I say I exhibit for humanity?  I don’t think that I do. 

Each person I have in my family is completely different from the next.  I have to accept them all the way that they are…the way that they come.  I looked up the definition of the word acceptance and it said, “And agreement to appreciate, validate, and support who a person or thing is in that moment.” 

But what do we do when we don’t feel that acceptance from our family?  As human beings we all have an innate desire for love and acceptance.  We seek it from our family, our friends, our romantic relationships…our job. The need for love and acceptance comes from our desire for community, fellowship, a place to thrive and find true fulfillment. 

But what happens when the love and acceptance we seek falls lacking in those areas?  I believe we fall prey to feelings of hatred and abandonment.  Lack of acceptance leads to a quest for approval…and a quest for approval from others always leads us down a dark, empty path…because how can you ever rise to expectations some one ELSE has set for you?  How much of what we do is based on gaining acceptance from other people?  And on the opposite side, how much of what we say to others is because we have preconceived notions of how they should be living their own lives?? 

But, if we cannot expect acceptance from those around us…where do we gain it?  Where can we find fulfillment?  All of these thoughts have led me back to God.  What is God like?  What is the nature of God?  Well, the nature of God is love.  The joy and relational aspect of God fulfills an aching, a longing in our heart that no one else’s physical acceptance can fill. 

I believe that when we seek acceptance and approval from others we allow them the opportunity to write our own lives for us.  We play a part that ends up not fulfilling us because…it’s someone else’s part.

It’s always blown my mind that we seek approval from people who are all imperfect themelves.  Or that I come across so many people who presume to know how someone ELSE should live their life…when only one person knows how you should live it…yourself.

As beautiful creations of a God who defines love…WE are enough…WE already have love and acceptance available to us.  We need only breathe it in and say…I will ACCEPT that ACCEPTANCE is already available to me.  I will grasp a hold of Love and say…I don’t need the affirmation of someone else’s love because I already have it in front of me.  The nature of God is love and that very notion enables us to turn away from the need for approval from others and truly be who we were called to be. 

The love I often give my family members is one where I presume to know what they should or should not be doing…and I watch other friends heart broken because of expectations placed on them by people who say they love them…but that type of love is debilitating…that type of love is not accepting.  The type of love God offers to us is POSITIVELY ENABLING…it is ACCEPTING…it is ETERNAL…it moves us FORWARD…it is EMPOWERING. 

What kind of love will I choose to submerse my heart, soul and mind in to?  What kind of love will I challenge myself to give to my family? Certainly not the kind that leaves me or others feeling unfulfilled, not good enough, lacking…as if I am doing something wrong…NO...I will live in to a rich, deep, powerful, gentle love that allows me and invites others to conquer the world and sore.  It’s the type of love that is available to you, to me…to all of us. 

Thank You For Walking this Journey

"Thank you for walking this journey with me."

My dear boyfriend Oliver spoke these words to me as I brushed the back of his neck on my way in to the kitchen.  He lay curled up on the couch and I responded, "Absolutely, my love."  His words were so genuine and heart felt.  The kind of words that carry a thousand other words behind their simplicity.  ....he was thanking me for walking with him as his mother peacefully and beautifully passed away earlier that afternoon.

For the past three months I have watched a man exhibit intense love for the woman who brought him life.  I only hope and pray to have a son one day to express the kind of unconditional love and care that Oliver expressed.  What a testament to the kind of heart my dear Pamela had that she instilled in her sons the gift of compassion...the gift of loyalty...the gift of never giving up on or abandoning the ones they love.  

Oliver, I have watched you for two months sleep by your mother's hospital bed, tirelessly get up to care for your mother, wait around for hours in her room without food for yourself so you could speak to her doctors about her progress, devote each hour of each day to taking care of her affairs, brushing her hair, singing in her ear, calling her friends to update them on her progress...looking her in the eyes each day to remind her how beautiful she was and what an angel she was in your life.  I have watched you be the beacon of light you told your mother she always was to you.  I watched you give your mother the light she gave to you.  The profound impact you have had on my heart as I have watched you love, hurt, cry, express anger, express joy....has been almost too deep and too lovely for my heart to stand.

Two nights ago Oliver woke up and said to me, "she's calling to me...I have to go to her."  He left my apartment and drove in the middle of the night to be by her side.  At 4:30am he called me and said, "I think you need to come down here."  I remember each step of the day like clock work.  Too many tender and private steps to share.  But as I arrived at the hospital at 5:00am I walked in to a hospital room of love and light and peace.  I walked in to a room to see my Oliver caressing his mothers hair as he stood at the head of her bed and the spirit of God radiating through out the room.  The spiritual presence of God was so intense that within minutes I stood by Pamela as I sang and praised to the creator of the universe over her precious body.  At 2:37pm surrounded by family and friends Pamela transitioned to the heavens to be with God.  We all felt her spirit as it filled the room.  Live out Loud.  That was the title of Pamela's first sermon....and live out loud she did.  What a radiant beauty...inside and out.  What an example of a selfless mother.  What an example of a women who walked the walk and talked the talk.  No matter what someone else thought...she followed what she believed to the ends of the earth.

But her greatest creation?  Her greatest expression of love and light?  Her two boys.  One of which I love so dearly.  Oliver...you have lived out loud.  I know you will continue to live out loud...but what I know without a doubt you will continue to do...love people as intensely as you loved your own mother...because that's a gift she gave to you.  You selflessly gave of yourself...only stopping to care for yourself when someone made you ;-)  No one asked you to go to Germany.  No one asked you to put life on pause.  No one asked you to sleep by your mother's bed night after night.  No one asked you to exhibit such selfless love.  You didn't think of you.  You never expected a thank you or recognition.  You ONLY thought of her.  No one asked you...because...no one had to.....

So...you thank ME for walking this journey with you?  No, my handsome love....Thank YOU for allowing me the privilege of walking alongside you.  It has been heartbreaking.  But it has been incredibly touching and life changing.  It has been more beautiful than I could ever accurately portray.  I cannot wait to walk other journeys with you...and I cannot wait to help shine Pamela's spirit each step of the way.

Living Out Loud,
Regina 

Enter In

It’s been over a year since I was last in Sierra Leone.  You would think after a year that the impact would have faded or diminished…but it’s the opposite.  Minute by minute I see their faces. Minute by minute I smell the aroma of River Number 2 and hear the laughter of over 80 glorious children I call…my heart.  I feel them.  I carry their stories with me.  I wait with anticipation for conversations to turn to, “so what else do you do besides dance?”  I can’t wait to word vomit every name and story and win over hearts to make their lives just a little bit better. My heart yearns to be with them.  After traveling to Sierra Leone three times in 10 months I felt like I was being led to Los Angeles to pursue dance and film/television.  I’ve found the transition to be harder than expected.  I have found so much joy in this new space but have also been faced with unexpected challenges. 

When I first moved here I instantly became close with my boyfriend’s mother, Pamela.  She was an actress and is now a minister working as a counselor.  Her light and vibrancy for life pulled me towards her.  I wanted to go to lunch with her, sit and talk with her…hear her heart and share my own.   We instantly connected.  We found we shared so much in common…one of which being that she liked to hear about Africa…and I sure as heck liked to talk about it :0) As I shared my stories with her we decided that she definitely had to travel with me next time I went.  I know her heart and light would explode all over Sierra Leone.  I know her calming touch would leave quite a lasting impression on Sierra Leone. 

Around November Pamela became very sick.  I wrote about her a few months back as her journey through this illness became more serious. As the months have gone on she has gone in to liver failure and has remained quite ill.  I’ve spent many days by her side in Intensive Care and my boyfriend has not gone a single day without holding his mother’s hand or lavishing her in love.   I’ve had so many touching moments I’ve wanted to share…from the constant love he’s shown her to the outpour of compassion from her friends and other family members…to the touching moments she and I have shared sitting in her hospital room. 

I’ve been reading a book called Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis.  What a warrior.  A girl my age from Tennessee who moved to Uganda to devote her life to helping people in need.  She adopted 14 girls and uses her two hands and the light behind her eyes to do what Jesus did….enter into peoples pain.  Enter in.  And take part in their lives in a very real way.

This concept is something I’ve grappled with since getting back from Africa.  WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION? WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE A SUSTAINABLE IMPACT?  Katie says, “And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet…I can enter in.  I can enter into someone’s pain and sit with them and Know.  This is Jesus.  Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that he enters in, He comes with us to the hard places.  And so. I continue to enter.”

And so…even when I don’t feel like I have the emotional strength to…I come to the hospital and sit with Pamela.  I look in to her eyes.  I recognize her pain and affirm her in the journey her body is taking to finding healing.  I hug Oliver as tightly as I can after he spends his days by his mother’s side. 

And I remember…this is the love my little ones in Sierra Leone have taught me.  Unconditional love.  Giving a voice to the voiceless.  I’ve learned the voiceless can manifest in our lives in different ways beyond the “orphan.”  There are times when the “orphan” becomes a woman full of nothing but love and light whose body needs a miracle to heal.  The orphan becomes simply…someone who needs to be lavished in love.  This has been heart wrenching…it’s raw…it’s real…it’s life.  But my loves in Sierra Leone taught me that amidst any struggle and any darkness there is ALWAYS light…there is always the beauty of a huge white smile, there is always light behind the eyes of a tiny baby in need of food.  I’ve been asked the question recently that through something like this how do you see the beauty in life?  How do you enjoy life in the midst of it all…..? 

Well…after the night there’s always morning.  After the sunset there’s always a sunrise.  After a storm there’s always a rainbow.  And within each day there are whispers of beauty.  When we might feel nothing but defeat and the weight of pain…God, the creator of the universe sends little whispers to say…there’s hope…there’s more…there’s life…enjoy it…experience it…breathe it in. 

We enter in to pain and journey through experiences we are faced with never losing sight of the fact that…our goal…our prize is love and light.

 One afternoon Pamela and I were sitting in a restaurant called Mother’s and we were talking about her life and as she spoke of a recent struggle I asked her, “How did you find the strength to make that decision?”  And she said, “Because I had find the joy in life again.”  We enter in…we experience…and we conquer.  We conquer and we find the joy.  For my loves in Sierra Leone…that joy is The Covering.  For my baby, Allie, that joy was finding rest and leaving a lasting imprint on my heart.  For my Pamela…that joy is meeting each new day with the strength of a fighter…meeting each new day to say, “Here I am still world! Let’s do this!”  I don’t know what that joy will continue to manifest in to.  But…each new day…as she continues to say yes…I will continue to say yes as well…I will enter in…enter in and stand by her side. 

I love you my dear, Pamela.  Let’s conquer this struggle so we can get on that plane and spread your light to my loves in Sierra Leone.  They are waiting on you.  And I know they can’t wait to show you their love as well. 

Loving when there's nothing Else to do....

To Pamela Murphy…my beacon of light.  May Germany bring your body complete healing and strength and may your passion prove to everyone the power that comes from following our instinct and heart. 

Loving when you have nothing else to do but love…

I was listening to a sermon the other day and the pastor said “the love we have for people must go far beyond loving your neighbor as yourself.”  It reminded of me of my mother’s saying “the definition of love is when you put the needs of someone else before your own.”  Real love is continual…unconditional..to the end. 

A dear dear friend of mine has been living with a disease for 40 years and it’s come to a place now where her body requires more medical attention.  It’s hurt my heart so much to watch someone I care about struggle so intensely.  But it has touched my heart in a profound way to see the love that has been showered over her.  And even more touching, the strength and love she’s exhibited by allowing others to take care of her when her instinct is to put the needs of others way before her own. 

Last weekend I spent some time with her and her two sons.  They showed me how true it is that sometimes all you can do is…love someone.  They have truly shown me the definition of unconditional love.  Love when you strongly disagree.  Love when you’re hurt or don’t understand.  Love when you think things should perhaps look different.  Love when your heart feels as if it is breaking because of the pain your loved one is going through. 

“Love will sustain.  Love will provide.  Love will not cease at the end of time.  Love will protect.  Love always hopes.  Love still believes when you don’t.”  These beautiful song lyrics have been on repeat in my head the past few days.  These words speak more volumes than my simple brain could ever express.  Because when people in our lives need it the most we get the choice to step up and express unconditional love.  And not just the unconditional love as Christians we often cast off as nothing more than saying “I’ll definitely be praying for you.”  OR when something begins to be too much walking away and saying that’s too hard to deal with…or that’s not my problem.  But, unconditional love that sticks around.  Unconditional love that is able to look you in the eye and say I don’t agree with you but I’ll stand by you.  Unconditional love that truly exhibits unconditional traits.  

I write about love a lot.  I think about love a lot.  Not just love in a romantic sense.  I truly believe love to be the answer for most things.  Anger, injustice, greed, fear.  Love covers a multitude of sins.  It’s on my mind so much because…it seems so simple. 

In society we hear “all you need is love” or contrastingly “love is not enough.”  So which is it?  It sounds too basic to say all you need is love…but is that the truth?  Do we need more? Does love cease at the end of time?  I guess it depends on your definition of love…but after the past couple of months standing by my friends side I believe in no way could love ever cease.  Love is greater, wider and deeper than we could ever imagine. 

Love is joy.  Love is revealing brokenness.  Love is expressing anger and hurt. Love is action, but love is standing still.  Love is everything in between.  The deep, the simple, the pain, the joy.  Love exposes our junk and has the power to heal pains we didn’t know we could heal.  

Love…well…love is standing up for what we believe in and speaking our mind…but the greatest expression of love…is…standing by someone’s side, wholeheartedly trusting and believing in their heart, their path…standing up to those you love and saying I believe my healing looks different than you think…traveling to Germany to be by your mother’s side as she begins a healing process…loving when you have nothing else to do but love. 

 Love and Light, 

Regina