How Quickly I Forget...

Last January before I left for my second trip to Sierra Leone I left my designer purse in my car.  Yes, I did say Sierra Leone and designer purse in the same sentence.  While I was inside saying goodbye to a friend someone smashed my passenger window and snatched my beautiful brown leather bag.  Immediately I called the police.  As the police officer asked me the worth of my purse I became sick to my stomach.  Here I was traveling to help “Save the Orphan” and my bag cost over half of my plane ticket to Africa.  It made me call into question where my heart truly was.  Obviously, I was sad about loosing my belongings, and a little uneasy that someone had my information but more than anything I was upset because…I felt like a hypocrite.  I preach taking care of and comforting the afflicted but here I was swimming in my own wealth.  That may seem an exaggeration, because I’m certainly not rolling in the dough…but stay with me.

Fast forward to this summer…I spent part of my time in New York…shopping.  Shocker.  Everyone take a second to get over your dismay.  I invested in some great pieces and was so excited to show off my new “fashionable clothes.”  The other day I packed up a few of my things, including said wonderfully fashionable items, got ready to head back to Nashville to get the rest of my stuff and see my friends.  I have had a million things on my mind the past few weeks…getting a job, finding an apartment…realizing I’m finally an adult and if I want to “make my dreams come true” I’m going to have to work my butt off to afford this dream of mine.  My brain has been racing with worry, anxiety and stress.  Money, money, money.  Where am I going to get all the money to live and not be in a shack when I’m 60? I need to invest wisely.  How will I afford dance classes?  How will I even have time for dance classes while I’m working?  How will I afford new furniture?  I don’t want to get rid of the furniture I have.  At least I have cool new clothes.

Wow.  Do you hear me?  Punch me in the throat.

So, a week ago I wake up to head back to Nashville…I’m running late to deliver some things to my boss and I still have to empty out my rental car.  I wheel my suitcase to the curb, cross the busy street to turn my car around, load up my suitcase and get on my way.  I’m racing with the clock to drive from Hollywood to Pasadena and then back to the airport.  I do everything in record time, even with traffic.  I can’t believe it.  I pull in to the Car Rental return lane open up my empty trunk…wait…EMPTY?  Yes, empty.  I left my suitcase on the curb in Hollywood an hour and a half before. 

HOW COULD I DO THAT?  

I call my roommate immediately.  She rushes to the curb…suitcase gone.  Of course it is.  I left a suitcase on the street in Los Angeles…it isn’t conveniently sitting there waiting on me.  Some kind soul didn’t look through my designer clothes to see if they could find my contact information.  My suitcase was gone and I still needed to get on the way to Nashville.

I instantly began to cry. 

As I spoke with my roommate she reminded me to take a deep breath…I had everything I needed AND I am blessed to have a bazillion other clothes and shoes…the ones in that suitcase will never be missed. Her words were rational but did not console me. 

I spoke with another friend a few minutes later and as I was complaining about being in Nashville with none of the clothes/outfits I had so carefully and fashionably planned and packed he said, “You survived in Africa with no shower for almost two weeks…this is nothing.”  Boom.  A ton of bricks hit my heart.  I started to think about what in that suitcase actually mattered.  I said to him, “I know…it’s just annoying because my favorite earrings were in there, favorite heels and that bracelet I love.”  As the words rolled off my tongue and I got off the phone with him I realized…I’m in the same place I was in January.  Only worse, somehow.  How easily I forget what is actually important.  How glad and relieved I am that God still works through me despite my vanity.  How quickly I forget what actually completes my heart.  What a slap in the face to the people of this world I say I stand up for that...I so quickly forget. 

I enjoy nice things.  Nothing wrong with that…especially if you take care of the things you invest in…but there’s a line.  Excess can easily sneak up on us.  It sneaks up on me often. 

Here I was bemoaning my things…and yes…it sucks…definitely deserving of being upset…but…let’s put things in perspective here.  Not just in this moment, but in my life. 

The night before I was looking through pictures of the kids in Sierra Leone and missing their little faces so terribly.  I even said the phrase to my roommate, “it’s so crazy to think that while I sit here in Los Angeles…life in Sierra Leone is still going on.”  While I spend lavishly in NYC babies still die.  While I follow after my dreams and stress out over where I’m going to get my rent check…people across the world wonder how they will feed their families!  Get a grip, Regina. 

When I really get down to it…the only thing in that suitcase that actually mattered was a simple bracelet with inspirational phrases I got as a gift from someone I care a lot about.  I usually wear it everyday…not only because the phrases on it speak my heart, but because it reminds me that my friend thought of me…took the time to buy something for me…it had sentimental value that was…not worth money at all.   At the end of the day, it can be replaced.  But, that bracelet symbolized a relationship to me.  Relationships…the things that are actually invaluable.  The things you actually can’t replace. 

How quickly I forget that at the end of the day…it doesn’t matter if I loose my favorite heels…I’ll find another pair…it doesn’t matter if I loose every designer shirt in the world…I didn’t need them in the first place and it doesn’t matter if I lose the bracelet a friend of mine gave to me…because...I didn’t lose the friend. How quickly we forget what actually matters.  Relationships.  Not things.  Not clothes. Not fancy shmancy jewelry, not a lavish life or even becoming a professional actress and dancer…it doesn’t matter.  People…in Sierra Leone..across the world…in my life, your life…those I love, those you love…now that’s something to invest in.  

And So I Will Create...

Last night I spent a very long time talking to one of the most important women in my life, Jaclyn.  Over the past 7 years her strength, love, laughter, and consistency in my life has been more than an answer to prayer.  Our phone conversation began with her calling to tell me she was moving to New York City! The Big Apple.  The place every musical theatre performer dreams of going to light up the stage…but she seemed down.  Over the course of a few hours I listened more and more to her sort through her feelings about this huge transition.  She got off the phone with me only to call back a bit later and say, “I couldn’t be more excited.”  She spoke with a friend of ours in NYC who told her…it’s hard…there are no jobs half the time and more often than not you feel down on yourself as a performer…you struggle to make rent month to month and sometimes you wonder if you have enough money for three actual meals a day…

As I listened…all I could think was, “I’m sorry…you’re excited?  Sounds like every reason I DON'T want to do this." She said to me…”I’m ready!  I couldn’t be more excited to finally do this.  This is what I was made to do and I know I’m ready to worry about all of those things.”  Hah…performers are so weird. ;)   

I began to cry a little.  I was so moved by her drive to chase after her dreams.  To do what she was created to do.  Because I guess creating means...dealing with some pretty ugly situations at times...molding those situations into our art...

Over the past month I’ve been on a grand adventure.  I’ve been going to dance classes in New York City and last night had my first audition in Los Angeles.  It may sound like glitz and glamour (I wont lie…it feels like it most of the time) but…it’s not as easy as it sounds.  Each dance class a little more of my dignity has been chipped away as I realize all the things I need to catch up on.  I’ve been out of this full time for two years…and it shows.   And as I sit here feeling aches in my hips and knees from my ‘oh so incredible’ audition last night (insert sarcasm here) I wonder…can I do this?  Can I live with all the uncertainty that comes with chasing after my dreams?  In theory it sounded like a grand adventure…and it is…but adventure implies adversity...and adversity implies heart-ache.  But...adventure also implies overcoming obstacles, acquiring strength, healing and molding into a new creation.  Adventure implies hard work.  Not just physical labor…but spiritual labor...labor to ensure that I hold on to knowing who I am…it’s so easy as a performer to fall in to the trap of, “she turns better.”  “her legs kick higher” “she’s got tighter abs” “what if I never get a job and this was all for nothing…” blablablablabla….

But wait a second…isn’t this what we were created to do?  All of the negative things I’ve heard people fill their minds with over the past four weeks…I’ve been so quick to jump on them and say…but wait…you were CREATED to CREATE don’t you pour negativity into an already negative industry.  Be a change-maker.  Be someone who says…nope…God created me, created all that is around us…and as such…the creator of all gifted me to create as well.  And I will do so with light in my eyes and love in my heart. 

Sounds like I need to take my own advice, huh?  I’m all talk.  It’s the truth.  I talk a good game.  But I’m scared.  Scared of failure.  Scared of inadequacy.  Scared that what I create isn’t good enough. 

Lies.

We all tell them to ourselves.  They’re self-defeating.  They do nothing but injure our own spirits and keep us from creating the art our souls long to.  It’s debilitating really.  I’ve seen it affect someone’s spirit so much that they no longer create at all…and how incredibly sad is that?  That someone who has so much inside of them would no longer give of themselves to a world longing for nothing but…more to be created.

Not for me. 

I have many more bruises and aches ahead.  Many more days gazing off into the beautiful California sun writing at Starbucks trying to sort it all out.  But, as I told Jaclyn last night….as long as I can remember…I’ve wanted to create…create something that gives of myself to others.  I may not be the “best” but I have to be MY “best.”  It may sound trite…but I truly believe if you allow fear to keep you from doing what the base of your soul tells you that you were made to do…you’ll forever be an unfinished piece of art...a piece of art that if finished could have set the world on fire…could have spoken to just one person to say…create as you were created. 

So, like Jaclyn, I’m excited too.  Excited to be uncertain if I’ll get a job to help me make rent…in an imaginary apartment I have yet to find.  Excited to take a ton of dance classes….because I have a lot of work to do to rise to my fullest potential and not fall on my face in auditions.  Excited to be a glimmer of light in an industry that at times can be very dark…but an industry that represents…creativity…that represents what we were put on this earth to do…Create.

And so…I will create…And I hope you’ll create the art burning inside of you as well. 

Love and Light,

Regina

Breaking Cycles

When I was little my dad was an avid nail biter…he still is…chomps on those babies like there’s no tomorrow.  It’s one of the most annoying habits, but he’s always done it.  When I was little…I wanted to be just like my dad…so, naturally, I inherited this lovely trait.  From the age of five till around 22 I bit and bit and bit my nails.  My mother would put band-aids on my fingers to keep me from biting them…but I’d just take them off and keep on biting.  Disguting, huh? One day I finally said.  No more.  I’m not doing this.  It’s disgusting and I’m over it.  Seems small I guess…but I needed to break a cycle.  It’s still a struggle for me.  Whenever I get nervous…it’s my go to.  So, I’ve compromised with myself: I carry a nail file in my bag and I get a manicure every two weeks.  This keeps me from biting for the most part because, well, they’re pretty and I don’t want to mess them up J Eventually, I’ll get to a place where I don’t have to trick myself in to not nervously and unattractively biting my nails, but until that day comes…my bank account will be slightly smaller and I’ll have successfully broken one unhealthy cycle.   

The past few months I’ve been finding a few unhealthy cycles I need to break.  Gosh, it’s hard to admit it when they creep in to our lives because most people would like to appear put together, a good head on their shoulders…capable of handling life they’ve experienced and yet to.  Well, we all have our stuff unfortunately.  At no point in life will we ‘have it all together’, know what’s going to happen next, be healed of all past brokenness etc.  As we go through life and encounter new people and relationships…we will continue to have to adjust, heal as we uncover new depths of ourselves, be challenged to see where we need improve…to break cycles…

I went to see a movie with a girlfriend called ‘Crazy, Stupid Love.’  First and foremost…Steve Carell could make me laugh my pants off any day…I just think he is so dang funny.  But, this movie takes a journey through different romantic situations, which require the people within the relationships to ‘break cycles.’  The cycle of being married for years and becoming too comfortable, the cycle of meaninglessly dating girl after girl, the cycle of putting a wall up around your heart where no one can get in…no matter who you are you can relate to these scenarios on different levels.  I’ve been forced to examine some cycles in my life a little deeper than biting my nails. J I’m coming to find on a new level, as this romantic comedy clearly shouts, love is never easy…it’s never ‘happily ever after’…and creating your own happily ever after comes partially from…breaking cycles.  Being willing to grow and allowing the other person the chance to grow individually but also…being willing to look at the cycles within your relationship together (the good and bad) and compromise and adjust where needed.  No matter where you are in your personal world…to be able to fit the other person in and work together.  The relationships that succeed are the ones where as Steve Carell says, “you never stop fighting.”  The relationships where it’s worth it to break cycles that could potentially ruin two peoples chance at being in a healthy, imperfect relationship. 

I was talking to a friend recently who was also coming to find cycles in their life they needed to break…and if this friend didn’t break them…well their relationship might not work.  My friend wasn’t alone though, the second half of this relationship realized the same thing…they had some things to work on.  Now, the beginning of a relationship is filled with sunshine…complete loss of a sense of reality…you believe this person is perfect.  But as you go through life you begin to realize their humanness.  Not only the things that annoy you about them, but also the things that make them broken…that prove they’ve gone through experiences that have affected them in certain ways.  We don’t always know what those things are that will creep up and affect our relationship…we can “have it together” as much as possible, but inevitably romantic relationships bring these things out in us…and we’re forced to make a decision…break up with the person and decide it’s too hard…or…break the cycle. 

How do you ever know when it’s worth it to break the cycle, my friend asked...what if we go through this and it ends up not turning out in the ideal way?  Well unfortunately…that’s life.  Just as we’re never going to have everything together, we’re never going to know if it’s worth it till you jump in there.  I had a youth one time that said it best, “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.”  In my personal opinion…a relationship is always worth it to risk it…to see it through…it’s always worth it as long as you feel your true self is not being compromised to work together and walk through life.  But, there’s the key…together…the two people have to be on the same page that it’s worth it.  At times you may be unsure…but at the end of the day if your heart continues to feel pulled to that person…perhaps you should get over your brokenness and break that cycle.

But breaking cycles is daunting, as my friend, pointed out.  But…when you want something…you fight for it…and you risk it…otherwise…you aint gonna get no biscuit. 

I hope I continue to break cycles in my life…cycles that keep me from continuing to grow as a person…whether they are as small as biting my nails or as big as talking so much I don’t hear what my loved ones are saying or as big as being scared to run after my dream.  My friend’s relationship is a true testament of two people who have decided to “risk it to get the biscuit.”  To attempt to come together as two people at different places in life who think they can meet in the middle…now that’s a beautiful cycle I hope they continue. 

Peace, 

Reg

In the Blink of an Eye

Last night my beautiful friend, Leah, hosted a going away party for me. Friends of mine gathered together and ate food, sat by the pool, and chatted in the shade. My favorite things: friends, food, laughter and sunshine:-). At the end of the night Leah surprised me by having everyone gather around the pool and light wish lanterns for me. She asked everyone to share a wish they had for this next stage of my life. I have truly wonderful friends. As I watched all of the lanterns fly in to the sky I thought to myself...I can't believe this chapter is ending! It ended in the blink of an eye. I turned around and I was done with CYMT. I turned around and I turned in my keys to BUMC and walked out the door. In the blink of an eye...it's time to hit the road!! :-)

So much positive growth has been happening in my world recently. It's beautiful really. The women who run The Raining Season have been over in Africa for the past two months fighting tirelessly with the Sierra Leonian government to lift the adoption ban so people can bring their children home. The possibility of this has been squelched time and time again. But, through perseverance, time and prayer, in the blink of an eye, the president approved and granted six month visas to 16 of our children to travel to the U.S. to sing as a choir and partake in a music program sponsored by Picking Violets' (a singing duo's) fan club, The
Tribe. In the blink of an eye...what they have been fighting so hard for seems to be one step closer. My heart has been overjoyed.

But there's one glitch in my world I can't quite shake. I had a falling out with a dear friend over the past two months...and I didn't even have time to...you guessed it...blink. The past three weeks I had so much going on that I pushed it to the side and said...well...this is what has to be...if my friend wants to work things out they'll come try and talk to me. And I've tried to see things from every possible angle but...every angle I look at all I can think is...gosh...my friend was there...and now they are not...and I don't think there's a thing I can do to change it. In the blink of an eye a relationship can change...and I guess if that's true, in the blink of an eye a relationship can be repaired. But how do you do that when you don't know what else to do? I guess...through time, perseverance and prayer perhaps things can turn around. I hope so. But, life keeps happening...

...and...life is so beautiful right now and though I want my dear friend to be a part of it...I don't know how to make that happen. So, I guess I just live in positive thoughts over the situation...and know that exciting things are about to happen and if along the way I find myself able to share life with my friend again...then life will be even more beautiful...in the blink of an eye. :-)

Peace and Love,
Regina

The Good in 'GoodBye'

So, we just got a new pastor at the church I work at and as he addressed the staff this morning he began sharing that he had forgotten what moving was like.  After being at his last church for the past 10 years he had become quite comfortable.  He said, "It's been quite a jolt to the system."  Boy is that true!  I've lived in Nashville for four years now...and off and on really for seven.  I've become quite comfortable.  I know where everything is.  I run into people I know almost everywhere I go.  I have a homey apartment with my best friend since the 8th grade, an incredible job with hundreds of kids that bring joy to my heart, a circle of friends who love me more than I could know...I'm happy.  I'm comfortable.  What more could I want?

But...have you ever felt drawn to something so strongly that no matter what you do you just kept gravitating towards it?  Have you ever had something so engrained in your spirit you felt you couldn't remember a time it was not apart of you?  That's how I feel about dance and performing.  Everything I see I see it in movement and creative forms of expression...it's weird I know...but it's how I've always been.  It's my passion and no matter how comfortable I become I want to live that passion.  And I feel so blessed that I have the opportunity to do that!  YAH!  I'M GOING TO NEW YORK AND L.A.!! HOW COOL IS THAT??  Who knows where I'll end up at the end of these two months and I know realistically it will be very hard, but I know no matter where I am and how difficult life might seem...I'll be living my passion and loving every person I meet along the way.  I'm pumped.  But...

It's a jolt to my system.  It's a little too much change all at once for me.  Within all that excitement...I'm petrified.  Beyond petrified.  What the heck am I doing?  I'm leaving comfort.  I'm leaving friends.  I'm leaving my job I love.  I'm going to be unemployed with no absolutely no money...hahaha!  But seriously, that's how I feel right now.  But...I don't like to dwell in fear and negativity too long...

Recently, I've been sorting through what 'goodbye' looks like.  It's been popping up a lot recently.  My brain has been moving a hundred miles a minute the past month but I'm beginning to compartmentalize all of these "shifts" in life.  I've begun to really see the 'good' in 'goodbye.'

I've been thinking back over everything this chapter has brought to me.  I came back to Nashville at a time in my life when I was very broken.  Broken hearted, broken spirited.  I needed new life and light breathed into my eyes.  My last few years at Belmont began to do just that!  I've made friends that I will never say goodbye to :-)  And I can't express in words what an unparalleled opportunity I have had working and growing at Brentwood United Methodist Church.  I've been more than honored to dance alongside incredible dancers in my company, Epiphany, for the past two years.  And in the last year, I discovered my heart in Sierra Leone.  None of the goodbyes are 'permanent' so to speak (and Sierra Leone will always be with me no matter where I go...) But it is a goodbye to this chapter.  Not a goodbye that happened because it wasn't working or it wasn't right...it's a goodbye because it's time for a new one to begin.  Albeit an uncertain one in every way...but...A chapter that the Lord has been writing inside of me since I was created.  God created me to create as well. :-)  Gosh, I'm cheesey.

You see...some goodbyes happen because something tragic occurs, or because there is a disagreement that can't seem to be mended...or we're not really sure how the heck or why the goodbye happened...sometimes we fight it and it is not what we want at all...but this Goodbye is none of those things...this goodbye is intentional and joyous...because the last chapter has been shaping and molding me to step out on faith and jump into life.  I'm having to remind myself daily that this change is good.  It's the most positive goodbye I think I've ever made.

Now that I'm done procrastinating on packing my belongings...I'll get to it...:-)  Can't wait to share the adventure!

Peace and Love,
Regina

A Year Knowing Allie

Getting to know someone is something that takes time.  It requires effort on both sides.  It requires good and bad days.  Learning how the other person operates in certain situations, how they joke, what they are sensitive to, their likes and dislikes.  Getting to know someone is wonderful and tedious...and we all have to do it at one time or another.  Sometimes you find out you don't like the person as much as you thought.  Sometimes you realize you like them a whole lot more than you did initially.  Some times it's touch and go...but the person is worth it to figure out.  With some people it takes a long time to truly know them.  And other times...you know someone in an instant.  

A year ago I met a 6lb two-month-old baby girl named Allie in a government hospital in Sierra Leone, West Africa.  Two days later, she passed away.  Sadly, each day countless number of baby girls and boys loose their lives because of the many injustices in our world…but this little girl was different for me.  She was not a statistic.  Not only did I know her for a brief 48 hours…but for whatever reason…when I looked into her eyes I fell in love.  You may think…a year ‘knowing’ Allie?  You only knew her for two days.   But…each day I am reminded at some point of her smiling face and tiny spirit that she never needed a single word to communicate.  Each day has been a journey with learning something new.  You see she passed away, but her spirit lives on.  Her story lives on. 

Allie taught me about love.  Love that must be lavished on people in need.  Love that must be lavished on every person we are in relationship with.  She taught me that love is not a feeling…it is an action.  But that action is not a fairytale.  It is messy…it hurts…it doesn’t make sense…it requires work that makes us uncomfortable sometimes…it is not fair…it is heartbreaking…but…love is something you fight for, do not run away from or abandon…it is also the most beautiful and only thing that can piece the world back together.

A year ago, I sat in a hospital and stared at a tiny baby and racked my brain for how to save her.  I came up with a countless number of solutions.  I thought about staying in Sierra Leone and not leaving her side.  I thought of all the people I could call to help me, all the doctors I knew.  I cleaned the area around her filthy bed.  I tried to hold her.  I tried to reason with the woman who abandoned her, when she confronted me at the hospital.  I tried to ensure her safety once I left.  In the end…I could not and did not save her.  If I loved her as much as I did…shouldn’t I have been able to?  Were my efforts for naught?  Absolutely not…love expressed is never a waste, no matter how broken we are in the end…there’s always more than we think…

I was changed when I met her….but when I found out she passed away…that’s when I started to get to know Allie…that’s when the real transformation began.  Loving and loosing is one of the most tragic events, but also one of the most eye opening. 

You see…I have a problem with fixing things.  I want everything and everybody to be better.  I always think I have a solution and want to move on...I don't like to sit in the problem.  I abhor conflict and want it resolved immediately.  My friends would probably say it’s my greatest and worst quality.  Greatest because my intentions are in the right…worst because…well…sometimes your job isn’t to fix and sometimes your efforts to fix create bigger problems than you intended in the first place.  Sadly, I make this mistake time and time again. 

My purpose in loving Allie was to give a tiny baby the ability to die with dignity.  To die with someone by her side.  But…my purpose in loving Allie has also become to tell her story so that babies like her wont be forgotten.

But…her impact has not even ended there.  You can do everything within your power to change a situation…to make it different…to help someone…to try to communicate…whatever it is…but it may still turn out different from what you would like.  In fact, you may pour all your energy into a situation and get nothing back in the end….you may even find yourself brokenhearted…but…doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have loved.  A situation may be “beyond your control” but you do the best you can with what is in front of you and love the only way you know how. 

That day in the hospital as I realized there was nothing I could do to actually “help” Allie. I did the only thing I knew to do…I held her fingers, sang in her sweet ear and prayed.  I wasn't supposed to "do" anything...I was supposed to be.  She needed me to love silently...she didn't need me to do a thing.  Man...what a lesson I'm still learning.  What a surreal experience it was…but what an abundant blessing I will hold with me forever.  

Each day I’ve had her spirit with me I’ve learned more and more from this light.  You may love your heart out…but it wont always turn out.  Shine your light even in the midst of pain and injustice (Allie did :-)).  When something or someone hurts you…stand up for yourself but do all you can to make it right…then...love them enough to move forward.  Never stop fighting for something you believe in…but know how to pick your battles and when to sit down and be still. 

And the biggest one that I am learning right now…sometimes….we find ourselves in situations we don’t understand but we know we play a part in it …we think we know how it should turn out and we think we know what we’re supposed to do to get there…but there comes a time…when there is no more that you can do…it may be time to move on, even if you don’t want to or feel like it is unfair or not the way you think it should be, even if it hurts to your core…but...as you press on clarity begins to kick in…and each day that goes by…you’ll learn a little more from the situation than you did before….you just have to leave your heart open to keep on loving. 

A year knowing Allie has been painful.  I’ve learned more about myself, the world and my relationship with the Lord in one years time than I have in the other 24…but…a year knowing Allie has given me a peace and excitement about pressing on with that broken heart.  Pressing on to introduce other people to Allie.  Pressing on to learn more about what it means to be still and try to not be a big ole control freak.  Pressing on to lavish love and be okay that I may not save the world…but I may one day save one. 

Allie the day I met her.  

 Peace, Love and Light, 

Regina